Almost four years ago, I fell in love for the first time--twenty-five years too late--and began an affair. Over the years, Kevin and I have met several times a week and email several times a day. I have kept almost all of the emails that I sent to him and that he sent to me. Along the way, there has been laughter and tenderness and heat...and heartache.
This blog is the posting of our daily emails. It chronicles the lives of two people over a four year period so far, and tells the story of our burgeoning love against the backdrop of New York City.
The names and addresses have been changed to protect the innocent; the rest is 100% real.
The daily update structure helps keep the blog as authentic as possible as well as living up to its title. It also strives to provide the reader with the kind of pleasure that a soap opera offers--a daily dose of voyeuristic fun.
Please begin at the beginning, otherwise, little will make sense.
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX Good
morning, my love!
What
a perfect night! I'm so into you, it isn't even funny. I had such a great time.
I always do with you. Now, I can claim the title of HFG with pride and joy : )
Are
you working on your music? Can you meet around 1 or 1:30? Should we have brunch
then walk on the High Line?
We went to a charming eatery in the Village for brunch.
Then we walked hand in hand in the High Line Park, pausing to look at this or that flowering bush. At the wooden benches, he took my hand and helped me down the steps. We sat together at the plates of glass, looking onto the bustle of the street below and the high rises of Manhattan beyond. We sat like this we two among all those people, none knowing our secret.To them, we were simply a couple, a pair of lovers, free as birds. And at that moment, we were. ___________________________________________________________________
Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 10:35 AM From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Hello
HFG,
Nobody
else is working today so no AC issues.It is a little hard to concentrate knowing I am going to see you
soon.Things aren't going as expected.I will be here longer than I thought.It won't be a problem for us though.
I'm
glad things aren't going to be problem for us. When are you getting out you
think? You like peaches? So, I googled rock bars, lounges, dance clubs and this
site comes up called club planet. There are a lot of rock bars, most grungy,
one sounded more polished. I wonder if you have time to take a look and see
what you think. Should we do holes in walls down and dirty jeans, or dress and
heels type of places?
Love
you lots and lots,
Your
very happy SNG _______________________________________________________
Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 12:35 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
I
was thinking down and dirty.I am
wearing jeans.
I
will take a look if I get a chance.I am
guessing I will get out at about 3.I
need to go home and could be at the hotel any time after 4.
Love
you more,
Me _____________________________________________________
Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 1:18 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
OK,
like East Village then. They're gone but I have a few things to do before I can
leave. I'll keep you posted.
XOXOX
Me. _____________________________________________________ Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 3:23 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
I
am leaving work now.I have a few things
to do at home.I should be ready to
leave at 4:30.Let me know what time you
will make it.
Me
Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 3:38 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
I'm
going to leave here at 4:30 or a few minutes past. So, I should be at the hotel
around 5 or 5:15 depending on traffic, although I expect to be light today.
I'll text you the room number. Or you can just spot me in the lobby and trail
me upstairs. ________________________________________________________ Sat, Jun 23, 2012 at 3:43 PM From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX See
you soon.
He picked me up and carried me to the bed. Usually
at times like these, we women fear ourselves as heavy as sacks of flour, but he
held me with such ease, with such obvious lack of effort in his expression that
I felt as light as he felt me. His
arms around me bloomed with muscle, the one hundred push-ups that had calloused
his knuckles in sinewy evidence. He lay me gently onto a cloud of a duvet, as
if delivering a glass slipper onto its cushion. No strain in his face, no
shake to his arms, no sudden letting go to relieve strained muscles. I loved
lying underneath his powerful bulk, knowing that if he chose to kill me right at that very moment, he could, and knowing that he wouldn’t. His erection pressed
against me through his jeans, igniting in me a simple kind of happiness. He
wanted me. Erections don’t lie. I wanted to touch it. I wanted to administer to
it like an artist would to a promising canvas. I wanted to honor it, to attend
to it, to love it, use it, enjoy it, and most importantly to put it in my mouth. Yes,
there was no problem. Yes he wanted me. Yes, everything had come together for this
moment in my life. He would take complete and utter pleasure in me. I looked
into his face, the light glinting in the blue of his eyes like sunlight off waves.
He kissed me then, his lips parting mine sure and insistence, probing and sucking on the
plump softness, pulling away, then coming close again, slow and rhythmic as the
dance of the tide.
“Are you
ready for me?” He asked before he entered me. It was something, he would ask
often and for a long time after.He was
the only man who ever asked this of me, and I found it endearing as if he was a
small boy, my cherub, or, as I adjusted it when he protested that he was
neither round nor innocent, my evil cherub. I willed with every cell in my mind
for him to trust me enough to lose his demons in me. My triumph depended on it.
"I'm always ready for you," I murmured, guiding him to me.
I felt him part me then, this man, taking me, fucking me. This white man, this Irish-American man fucking a woman from the Middle East where women like me are stoned as whores. I was his whore. He was the all powerful white man and I was his coolie whore, I thought as he happily fucked me, his cock stroking my G spot, sending through me a continuous cord of pleasure.
That night, he fucked me for hours. He fucked with
his eyes open. He said he liked looking at me while he fucked me. So, I kept mine open too. Incredulous,
I watched lust burn in his eyes clear like blue flames, and rose to heavens
above. At that moment, there was nowhere in the world I would’ve rather been
but in his arms. I was, for the first time in my life, making love to a man I was
in love with and who was in love with me. I was suddenly living in the here and
now every love scene in every movie that I had ever seen in my life. He
fucked like a typical man, too fast and shallow for me to cum, even though his cock
sent rifts of pleasure through me. He
fucked me however he wanted, at times with long quick strokes, at times short
staccatos, at times pounding me like a rag doll, and I loved every thrust,
every quiver and gasp and jab of pleasure that he sent into me. It turned me
on to think that his pleasure was single-minded and selfish. I was stronger
than whatever had stopped him the last time. That night, he not only came inside me, but
he came into himself. As long as we allow ourselves orgasms, there
is still a self who stands half a fighting chance in this world.
He went down on me later, eating me out hard and
rough, like a man likes his cock socked. I grasped his arms, his muscles hard ridges
under my fingers. I thought of how this man, this man whom I adored, this man loved me enough to put himself between my legs. His tongue was warm and
soft and cruel. This man who would never hurt me was delivering pain, something
I had gotten used to over the years, and had begun to welcome, surrendering myself
to it until it became pleasure. I reveled in the delicious punishment delivered
by the innocent tongue of my earnest lover until pleasure exploded deep inside
me and bliss flowed sweet and slow through my limbs. We had triumphed.
12:10 AM: Whatever, I’m going to be. _____________________________________________________ Fri,
Jun 22, 2012 at 8:32 AM From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Good morning HFG,
I am sorry I missed you last
night.I was sitting by my
computer.It never occurred to me to
check google.No one has actually used
the word taciturn to describe me, but I am surprised because they have used
every other variant.That could be my
middle name!
I
probably have a full day of work tomorrow.We could meet at say 4?That is
probably check- in time anyway.If the
hotel thing doesn't work out, we could see a movie and have dinner.Maybe we could find some live music
somewhere.
SNTB ______________________________________________________ Fri,
Jun 22, 2012 12:35 PM From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hi:
I've never experienced you as
taciturn before. You are actually quite voluble, which is great. It's no fun
dragging words out of someone. I guess I figured that the heat, the long day,
the karate and the pot had made you not able to find the keys. I would send an
email, and after long stretches of about 20 minutes or so you'd send a one line
reply. How I said what I said about your "not getting any" comment
came out of that frustration, and I'm sorry for that, but not for the
sentiment. If you're fine going through the next 40 or more years of your life
sexless, that's your choice, but I don't intend to get old before my time. If
one is 80 or something, OK fine one isn't gettin' any anymore, but at 46 it's
fine with you to be as celibate as an old man?
When I said I'll spend the night,
I didn't mean let's get into our pjs, brush our teeth and go to sleep. I meant
it would be nice to have a pied-Ã -terre, so when we go out, if we want to close
our eyes somewhere for a couple of hours we can do that instead of me having to
cab it home late at night.
I would
love to go to dinner and a live music place, or even go dancing : ) they
usually play this nasty techno hip hop crap at lounges. Not even the pop
stuffthat I know like Lady Gaga, etc.
that one can at least dance to. So, it would be nice if we can find a rock club
or something of that nature.
Are you
around on Sunday too? If you have to practice your music, can I come over and
watch, or you can practice in the hotel room.
Anyway,
bottom line if I stay, I'm alone all week-end, and I don't want to spend all
day Sunday by myself, especially when I'm breaking up the family road trip.
So, tell
me lover, how much you do want me to stay?
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Hello my love,
I can be
chatty in person with the right person (you being the right person).On the phone and in email I am taciturn.
I am
around Sunday too.We should spend as
much time together as we can.This is a
great opportunity for us.What units is
"want" measured in?I really
want you to stay.I want you to stay
this much (arms extended as far as possible).Just so I understand, we would go out Saturday night, go back to the
hotel, get naked, take a nap and then you would head home and come back into
the city on Sunday to hang out?
I
wouldn't be able to practice with someone watching.I only practice when I am alone.Besides, I don't think I could bring the rig
to a hotel and I am not comfortable bringing you to the apartment.
I don't
know anything about dancing or clubs.How should we find a place?
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hey
Shiny : )
How can
I refuse your as far as possible extended arms? Yes, I'll make a reservation at
the Waldorf for tomorrow night. That can be our base. I can't sleep, like
really sleep, with anyone in one bed, so at some point early Sunday, I'll go
home to get some real sleep, not just a cat nap. I understand about the
practicing and your apartment, no worries there, as long as I'll have you all
to myself for hours!
The last
time I knew what was happening on the dancing scene was 7 years ago in
Marbella. My husband would go to bed early as usual, and my nephew and I used
to go tear up the town. Everybody thought we were a couple. He's only 13 years
younger than me. That was the greatest summer of partying ever. The last time I
attempted night clubs in Miami Beach a couple of years ago, we always ended up
at the wrong clubs on the wrong night, and completely missed a Sunday pool
party at our own hotel since we didn't know about it until we got back from
brunch at this place that was uber and stuff, but pretty sedate at the time, because the
party was going on at the Ritz Carlton! The last time was this past winter in
Switzerland. Although it was THE place in town, it was awful. Switzerland isn't
big for partying, just skiing. Although they do have some great food especially
near the Italian border.
So, I'll
bring my phone and the latest New Yorker and we'll see what's happening around
town. Anywhere we go, it'll be fun with you, SNTB : )
I don't
know what time I'll get into town on Saturday. Probably more like 5 or 6.
Woo
Hoo!That is going to be great.I was afraid it would be a while until I got
my hands on your hot fucking body.
I will
see what I can find in the NY Times too.We will have plenty of options. All of
my love,
Me ______________________________________________________ Fri,
June 22, 2012 9:55 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hi My
Shiniest Shiny:
I can't
tell you how happy I am about having decided to stay. The weather is supposed
to be beautiful. We are free as birds, and I have shiniest of all to hang out
with. I made the reservations at the Waldorf. It was really weird because I
went on hotels.com this afternoon and they had rooms starting from $199, so I
booked a level up for about a hundred more, because those other rooms are too
tiny. Then later today when I went to check out the room, the website for the
hotel said, there are no rooms for tomorrow night. Maybe they had a sale! I
thought they would be so expensive, but public schools are still in session and
Europe won't get out for another few days either. How could they all sell out
in one afternoon,? Although $199 is really good.
I can't
wait to see you. I'm going to make you watch some porn! Maybe I can convince
you of their merit. If you're really, really sweet, I'll show you the very
shameful ones I watch when I watch porn. Although, in real life, I would never
let someone do that to me! That's the difference between fantasy and reality.
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
I am pretty happy too!We are going to have a great time.
I was worried about the
cost.I am glad it was reasonable.That is such a huge hotel.I wouldn't think it could ever sell out.Maybe just sold out of rooms at that
price.We don't need much room.We will be really close together.
I have an early day tomorrow and
I want to be rested for you.Do you want
to chat? I am really looking forward to hanging out tomorrow night with my
smokin' hot fucking girlfriend.
XOXOXO
SNB _____________________________________________________ Fri, Jun 22, 2012 at 11:10 PM
Good-night my love. Sorry I missed you. I was
helping Isa pack for tomorrow, and spending some time with her since she'll be
gone for a month. Then since she is in complete language immersion or rather
sequestration, Nadi and I wrote a note in Spanish for her to find in her
suitcase once she gets to Middlebury. We had to look stuff up on Babel Fish,
but Nadi was able to write her own, and correct mine, since my French takes me
so far with Spanish.
It
is going to be a hot one. We could get
really sweaty today.
We
have several air conditioners not working.I am already getting complaints about the temperature.It is going to be a very long day.I wish I could hide.
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX Ugh.
I hope you are having a better day than me. I have been talking to myself all morning.
I love my job, I love my job, I don’t love my job, I love my job. _____________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 11:20 AM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hi
My Love:
Yes,
it looks like a hot one out there. I'm sorry you have to deal with the air
conditioning not working properly especially on a day like this. Don't they
always seem to go on the blink on the worst days? I wish you could hide too,
with me : ) I'm
going to print out our entire email conversations, then label the envelope
first draft or something like that, and stick it under all my old writings, I
mean going back a decade at least. Nobody is going to read any of those papers
until I'm dead. I don't know whether I should erase them off the computer. If
one backs stuff up, do they back up to somewhere? Or if my computer crashes and
they retrieve stuff, will it be on the hard drive? I wish I knew these things
better.
I
got home really late last night, around 10, then they gave me all sorts of
trouble until they went to sleep. I wrote you this long email about my
adventures when I was trying to lose my virginity, but decided not to send it.
Then I listened to Lady Antebellum, which I've decided is my new favorite band
for the moment.
Here’s
the link to the song I told you. Have you ever seen this movie, "Before
Sunrise?" It's really witty and charming. The video of the song is like a
sound track to that movie although it was made later I believe. Anyway, it
reminds me of us, because the video is as much about parting as it is about
meeting, as are we, except their city is Paris, ours is New York.
XOXOXOXO
Me. ______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 20, 2012 at 11:29 AM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
You
LOVE your job! More importantly, it loves you. Check your retirement fund.
Today, it’s a prima donna, a cranky high maintenance woman, if you deal
properly, tomorrow she’ll be better. I promise.
Your
email was perfectly timed. It is nice to get one from someone I like who is not
complaining. They
do always break on the hot days. That is when they get fully tested. Every
little leak or loose bolt comes into play.Then of course the repairmen are super busy so it takes a while.They of course don't worry about the urgency.
The
emails are stored in servers as Google. They are not on your hard drive. A
search will only reveal the amount of time you spend on the site. In some
cases, your account could be searched.A
computer crash won't affect them.
I
don't know that movie.I will check out
the video when I have a chance. I also don't know about Lady Antebellum.I have heard of them (her?) but don't know
any of the music. What can you tell me?
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX I
also love you and your smoking hot body. _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 11:40 AM From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hello you,
Your email was perfectly timed.It is nice to get one from someone I like who is not complaining.
I don't know that movie.I will check out the video when I have a chance.I also don't know about Lady
Antebellum.I have heard of them (her?)
but don't know any of the music.What
can you tell me? You get to know about these bands when you have teenagers, because
you're more often than not listening to certain radio stations. What do you
mean, what can I tell you? About the band? They are two guys and a girl, their
sound is pop rock, I think, but what I know? Mellow, melodic.
You aren't a virgin?
Would you have wanted me to be? : )Those virginity conversations are more appropriate to 10 at night rather
than in the bright light of day when the air conditioners don't work! You have
to tell me sometime about your experiences from the time you lost yours in that
car until you got married.
I love you Shiny, hang in there! This too shall pass.
XOXOXO
Roya _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 12:07 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX I
wouldn't have wanted a virgin. There isn't much to tell about my history. My
next experience didn't happen until college. I had a one night stand with a
woman I worked with. I don't actually remember anything because I was drunk. When
I met my wife, I was dating two other women. I also dated a third before I committed. I probably had sex about a
dozen times before I met my wife. That is
it. As you might have guessed, I am about as close to a virgin as a married man
can be. That is probably too much information.
XOXOXOX
Me ________________________________________________________ Thu,
Jun 21, 2012 1:57 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX Phew,
what a relief, I would've truly not qualified for a virgin! Wow, you were
dating a lot of women at the same time! How was it with your wife at the
beginning? A lot of people who got married when you did probably had fewer
experiences than you. You're lucky I like virginal men : ) if you weren't so
macho-like, so angular, you could be cherubic. You told me something a while
back. You said you thought your present sex life was your wife's
responsibility, now you know it's yours, what did you mean by that?
Not
only what you've told me isn't too much information, but I love knowing stuff
about you, everything about you.
So,
to punish you for not being explicit enough, I'll tell you about my virginity
adventures. I should call it "Three's A Charm."
It
was the summer of my sophomore year. I was 16. I was spending the summer at my
friend Marie-Francis' house. She is half Italian, half polish. Her father was a
doctor with some aristocratic ties, and her mother was an opera buff, and
chaired this and that. They had a country house in Hempsted CT. Their house was
in Wethersfield, a town about 20 minutes outside of Hartford. So, the parents
go off to the lake house, leaving MF, her sisters, brother and me alone. Now,
MF, is two years older than me and eldest of them all. So, we were painting her
bathroom. We were putting pictures of ice-cream cones and Life Savers and
chocolate chip cookies and such on the walls. Once, we were done, we got all
dressed and made-up, then we took a cab to a night club. In those areas, they
tend to be in the middle of nowhere on some highway. That particular one was
called Emotions, can you believe it?
So,
nobody carded at that time, we were girls and we did look older, so we are
drinking and we meet these two guys. They were in their early twenties. So, we
leave with them, they drive us to her house, and we end up making out in the
front and back seats of the car. It was a lot of fun and I really liked him. He
was 21. The next day, MF's sister narcs to the parents on us and they ship us
to the lake house outside of the "city" where we are bound to get
ourselves into "trouble." So, this guy and I phone called and arranged
a date to go to an amusement park. When I had gone to the night club, I was
dressed up, he was in jeans. When he came to pick me up for the amusement park,
he was dressed in some kind of dressy polyester pants, and I was in jeans,
because after all we were going to an amusement park. It was kind of raining,
and of course the whole point was to park. So, we parked, got in the back seat,
and I pulled out a condom I had purchased, since I always like to be prepared.
Well, I don't remember whether he had any, but he sure was surprised that I
did. He didn't even know I was 16, I told him I was 19. Well, I don't know what
we did, but there was no pain and no pleasure, I'm assuming for him too, I have
no idea. The trouble with us girls is that we think the boy should know
everything, like by instinct, but how would he know unless somebody had shown
him? Fathers used to take their sons to hookers in the olden days, or at least
bless the effort with hookers or not; an older woman getting involved is always
a good way, or best of all, the guy can have a lot of experience at his tender
age I guess with other 14-16 year olds. Lots of luck when I was that age!
Though more of that should happen in my opinion. I have no problem for the
girls to bring their boyfriends home when they are about 16. They can explore
and learn together, but as friends too, not just hook ups. I regress though.
I
thought I was done, virginity gone. Something so prized by my mother, disposed
of so that I would not worry about the pain, and now be able to explore the
pleasures of it all. So, the next time I did it, I was in Ohio. I was staying
with my African-American friend, Therlanda, on spring break. She was very
pretty. She was having an affair with the head of the math department, Mr.
Stone who was euro-American, had a wife and three daughters and seemingly a
perfecto family life. Therlanda loved it. It was in no way him taking
advantage, but still, he was in his thirties and she was seventeen. Can you
imagine the scandal if we added the racial thing?! It would be too juicy! So,
while I was there, Therlanda and I went visiting her old boyfriend, a euro boy
who was also really cute. Well, they left me sitting in the living room while
the two of them went into the kitchen and started making out so much and so
loudly that I came, without any physical stimulation except pressing my legs
together. That was certainly a unique experience. So, she sets me up with an
African-American friend of hers. Well, I didn't mind except I really didn't
like that type of hair texture, it's so rough, I don't even like curly hair,
but we went out to a movie. He gave me a gift, a necklace, a round off-white
ball with blue flowers painted on it on a chain. I still have it all these
years later. So, after the movie we went into his car, and got naked enough. He
was rather large, which is always annoying; you're supposed to say, wow and
shit like that when you're not thinking that at all. He couldn't get hard.
Well, let me tell you, I was so lucky. Because if he had shoved that thing up
me when I was expecting to not feel any pain because I wasn't a virgin in my
mind, I would've had a shock! So, we're like whatever and went home.
Fast
forward a year. I’m 17, in college, my dorm room, steady boyfriend, and we are
doing it for the first time. Well, you should've seen my face when there was
this sharp pain and a blood stain on the sheet. I shot up like an arrow,
yelling. And then gave him a what for for hurting me, the poor guy. But then we
resumed, and had a really good sex life until I broke up with him two years
later. All's well that ends well I guess. Have I told you this story before in person? Maybe I did.
How
are the air conditioners?
XOXOX
SNG _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 3:10 PM
From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX I
don't know for sure that my present sex life is my fault. The issue remains her
lack of interest.Recent events lead me
to conclude I may not be very interesting in that regard. I may have been
clueless. Of course it could also be lack of practice. I need to test that
hypothesis. _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 3:27 PM From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX Are
you fucking kidding me?! You not interesting in that regard?!I hope you realize that her lack of interest
has little to do with you. Well, you've got someone over here who is very
interested, and very much up to practicing with you; let's test all sorts of
hypotheses : ) _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 4:06 PM From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX I
am very glad you are interested and are willing to practice. I wish we could
practice today and all weekend. My wife is away. That said, you thought I was
gay.
I
think my wife has her own issues to deal with.She had an eating disorder when she was younger and still has an
unpleasant relationship with her food. She also has mild exercise
anorexia.
I
was dating a few women at the same time. Two of them knew about the others. I
married the one that didn't know. I thought I was pretty hot stuff. I once did
it with all three of them in the same day! My wife and I did it several times a
day for many years. Then several times a week for a few more years. Then it
trailed off. I can't say I really noticed when or how or why. It stopped
completely a few years ago, maybe as many as 8. Going without for so long was
probably good preparation for the shock of last week. I think if that had
happened at a different time in my life, I would have been devastated. Over the
years I redirected the energy into karate and music. And lots of showers. It is
very disappointing but not the end of the world. My life is good. Most men I
know aren't getting any either.
I
am planning to see a urologist.That
should be fun. _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 4:28 PM From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
I
was going up to VT to deliver my daughter to the language camp, but given my
back I don't think I can ride in the car for those many hours, I really don't
think I can. So, I can be around sans famille, if you like from Saturday around
noon. I can't believe you did it with 3 women in one day! I hear you on what
happens over the years. I think seeing a urologist is a good idea. It can't
hurt just in case.
So,
I'll tell you about my gay story. Maybe you'll understand if I tell you what
happened. When I was in college and had that boyfriend to whom I lost my virginity,
he had a roommate. We were all 18 then and none of us knew much about anything.
So, his roommate and I became friends. He looked a lot like you actually. He
was your height, your coloring. I adored him and he said he adored me. So, I
broke up with my boyfriend actually because he didn't want me to spend as much
time with Marie-Francis and his roommate. We were wild; he was a good student.
So, the guy I adored and I moved in. He had been a virgin; he slept with MF for
the first time, then explored some gay stuff. He used to say he hated to be
gay, and that if he ever got married it couldn't be to anyone but me. He was
perfect, except. We slept together a few times. He came when we fucked, but he
could never sustain it long enough, or be into me long enough for me to come. I
didn't even care. A couple of years went by, and it just got to be too
depressing, despite himself, and his love for me (and I know he loved me) he
wanted men, he couldn't help it. I've never experienced such pain ever in my
life before or since. It was what made me get into therapy. Although, that was
the silver lining. Therapy helped me tremendously.
So,
from that day on, I'm just so scared, because then there is nothing I can do, I
can't compete. I even tried women to see if I could turn gay, maybe he could
turn straight. But I am what I am, and I'm not gay. So, that night with you, I
just freaked out. I was like, what if it's so suppressed that you can't even tell
yourself, like he couldn't. But I believe that this isn't the case anymore. You
get too hard when you kiss me. So, if you ever want to practice with me again,
I really don't care what happens or not. It just matters to be with you.
XOXOXOXO
R. _____________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 6:01 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX It
could well be suppressed. On the other hand, as I have said before, gay is very
over rated. If I were gay, it would be a serious problem because I have no
attraction to men, penises or anal sex.I think a lot of gay people are not born gay but choose the most
offensive form of self-loathing they can find.To me, it is not much different than getting a tattoo on your face.
I
would love to see you on Saturday.I
have to work in the morning.Let me find
out what is involved and get back to you.
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX Is
she gone on Sunday too? If yes, until when? _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 6:35 PM From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX She
comes back on Monday. _______________________________________________________ Thur, Jun 21, 2012 6:45 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
So,
theoretically we have all Saturday afternoon, night and Sunday? Well, the two
of us together could make such hay.
I
don't know, Shiny, we have to agree to disagree about gay people. I know that
my friend didn't want to be gay. He really didn't, but he couldn't help it. No
matter. Why should we argue over that? I figure if you were doing it with three
women, and with your wife every day several times, or even once a day for all
that time, you aren't gay. But
I get a feeling you're in a bad mood today, either that or the shine is wearing
off the new girlfriend. You don't want to be with me anymore all the way, do
you? You're worried that I will react badly again. You can be honest, it's all
right. I've survived before, I will again. I'll just cry a few days and then I'll
be fine. R. _______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 9:18 PM
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX Hello
my still shiny love,
I
was at the gym. Tonight is my karate night. I had a lot of fun. I expressed my
inner bully. Now I am expressing my inner pot head.Today was a long day as will tomorrow.
People
can be gay for whatever reason they want. Nobody has to explain themselves to
me. I only wish it made them happier. I find that ironic.
I
would love to spend that time together. The logistics are a little unclear. Would
you stay in the city overnight?
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX So
last Thursday you skipped it? I don't know, I could stay in the city. I'll have to see how
I feel. If we meet, I'm springing for the hotel room. Can you spend the night? ______________________________________________________ Thu, Jun 21, 2012 at 10:41 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Yes,
last Thursday I skipped it.It is my
second favorite thing to do.I could
spend the night.
Thu, Jun 21, 2012 11:22 PM From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
You
know that thing you said about, "my life is good. I know lots of guys my age or
in my circumstances or whatever who aren't getting it either"? That's the
biggest bunch of self-deluding loser bullshit I've ever heard. I hope you've
snapped out of that little state.
