Pleasure & Pain (The First Time)

Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 8:39 AM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

Good morning Roya

I hope your trip home was uneventful and quick. Thanks for a fantastic evening. You are the most interesting and beautiful woman I have ever met. No one has made me feel that way before. No one has tried so hard to please me. Your body is even more beautiful than I imagined. Going down on your was such a pleasure. It has been so long since I have been able to do that for someone. And I feel like a giant asshole. You must think men are a bunch of limp dicked weak losers. I couldn’t possibly be more embarrassed. I have never made a woman cry before. I hope to God that never happens to me again. That was the most awful moment. Agony and ecstasy in one evening. It was not the outcome either of us was looking for. Clearly, grammar and being nice are not very useful traits in a boyfriend.

You must be so disgusted. I wish there was something I could say or do. At this moment, all I can think of to do is wallow in self-pity which is of course pathetic too.

nsSNB (not so shiny…)

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 12:05 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

I love you. Don’t say such awful things. Yes, it wasn’t how we hoped, but it was good. We talked so much and got to know each other so much better. I said things to you I’ve said to no one else out loud, and I feel really close to you. I wish I were free today so that I could spend the whole day with you.

I don’t think it’s something that has to be a part of our relationship. I felt that I, too, was responsible. I’m too overbearing. You should’ve been able to do whatever you wanted when I walked in the door, but no, we had to have wine and smoke before. When you opened the condom pack, I should’ve stayed put instead of bending over the bed, because noooo, I assumed you like doggie style because you had mentioned (when you hoped my back would be all well,) that you  planned to have me bend forward. And then you wanted to give me a foot rub, but no I insisted you would enjoy a blow job more. I feel I just kept telling you what you would enjoy, as opposed to shutting the fuck up. Next time, if we ever have this chance again, bring masking tape, and tape it over my mouth.

It could’ve been so many things. It can be physiological, or habitual, like being out of practice, but if it is physiological, the meds will take care of it. I was actually talking to Maureen about them a couple of months ago when she broke up with her boyfriend and we were talking about their sex life. One always thinks that men would need them in their 60s or something, but she routinely prescribes them for people, even in their 30s. Supposedly they have little side effect. The other way is of course more practice : ) Also, like you said, you had high expectations of both of us, and it was the first time, so you had no idea what to expect of me; now you know, so it’s more comfortable, and I guess the more nervous one gets, the lesser the chances. Another thing might have been the substances, maybe not so much the j, but drinking. I’ve heard that can be a factor in reducing circulation.

You never made a woman cry before? Then it’s about time you did. No self-respecting man should go to his grave without making a woman cry at least once. I’m glad I was your first : ) I feel a lot of things but none of them is disgust. We haven’t known each other for long, but my feelings for you are so tender and protective that it surprises me. It surprises me that I’ve come to love you so quickly and so entirely. Attraction is easy; it’s either there or not. Last night when we were sitting on the sofa, and you were talking, I would stare at your brow and eye that was turned to me, and at your perfect profile. You have the most beautiful eyes. You know that there is nothing you can ask of me in bed that will turn me off, right? I would do anything for you.

I wish we had a place where we could meet without it being so expensive. I loved you carrying me into the bedroom. I’ve never been carried before like that. It was so much fun. No self-pity. There are things we can do about this going forward. Research, identifying the source and remedy it. You have so much will. Compared to all the things you’ve accomplished in your life, this is child’s play.

What are you doing on this nice day off?

XOXOXO

SNB’s girlfriend

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 1:10 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

I love you too and am also surprised by how quickly I came to these feelings (note irony). Thanks for being so nice to me. You are an Angle. I have never been so in love with anyone before. I can’t take my eyes off of you. Believe it or not, I am not an affectionate person. With you I feel overwhelming affection.

Of course it has to be part of our relationship. The risk we face is too high for us to be friends. Besides, that would never work for me. It would be too painful. I need to be the man. I am sorry if it sounds ridiculous.

It had nothing to do with you. I wanted to smoke and have a drink first. I would have been even more nervous. No one has ever had to ask me twice to suck my cock either. Bending over the bed for me was the sexiest thing anyone has ever done. I was dying to do that. It was like you read my mind. You are an absolutely amazing lover. You gave me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before.

I was too embarrassed to tell you that I was taking the meds. I thought it would make you feel even worse if you knew, which it still might. I always assumed the problem I had at home was my wife’s. Now, I know that it is me. Talk about bright light of day.  This is way too much self- awareness. It was much better to think I could than know I can’t.

I am alone until about 8. I need to spend the time learning my songs. I actually slept really later. I am still in my underwear, socks included. I will probably waste most of the day. I had hoped to take my bike out and maybe run. However, it is too late for that now. Oh well, it is nice to have the day off.

Good luck with the gang today. I hope they don’t run you ragged.

Me

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The Kimberly

Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 2:26 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

I love you too and am also surprised by how quickly I came to these feelings (note irony).
Why irony?

Of course it has to be part of our relationship. The risk we face is too high for us to be friends. Besides, that would never work for me. It would be too painful. I need to be the man. I am sorry if it sounds ridiculous.
Erect or not, I really don’t care, I meant you not having fun doesn’t have to be a part of our relationship. Of course, sex should be a part of our relationship. I can’t keep my hands and mouth off you, that would be impossible. So, no you sound far from ridiculous. You mentioned this before, wanting to be a man. Think carefully about it, and then tell me, or tell yourself if you rather, what does that mean to you? In life? In bed? What is it you want out of your manhood?

Well, it isn’t embarrassing about the meds, but it does make things more difficult. If it were just physical, that would take care of it. Unless, it’s still physical but has a different reason, which you should get checked out to make sure it’s nothing serious. But it seems that it is emotional, and from what you tell me, it seems not isolated, which makes it even more complicated. So, when you said you don’t have sex with your wife, it isn’t because she doesn’t want to, it’s because you don’t have the desire, or don’t keep the erection? There are so many ways lovers can satisfy each other. But you’ve told me that you got married young and never been with anybody else during that time, so perhaps it’s the sexual awakening of Kevin Mallon : )

It had nothing to do with you. I wanted to smoke and have a drink first. I would have been even more nervous. No one has ever had to ask me twice to suck my cock either. Bending over the bed for me was the sexiest thing anyone has ever done. I was dying to do that. It was like you read my mind. You are an absolutely amazing lover. You gave me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before.
So, are you telling me, you don’t feel physically a lot of pleasure? How is the problem at home with your wife? Tell me in detail if you’re OK with it. You can’t run from self-awareness once you have it : ) you’ve had a rough life. It could easily be emotional, and it always goes back to the parents, probably the mother for you, being a man. Something emotional inside you is stopping you from fully enjoying yourself. I’m afraid my love, only you can figure that out. You may have to go talk to somebody about it. Maybe not for years, maybe just several sessions to figure things out. It’s amazing how something can have a hold on one, then the minute one figures it out, it’s gone just like that. I’ve had personal experience with many emotions like that. So, I know of what I speak : ) Also, Kevin, you have to consider that you maybe repressing gay desires. I’m not saying this to hurt you, or scandalize you, but I’ve seen it before. It’s absolutely ridiculous to feel any shame or anything about being gay. What will be a shame is for a young handsome man like you to never feel gloriously sexually alive due to nonsense like that. OK, if you really think that people choose to be gay, then choose it! Just slap that other Kevin out of the way. Especially, in this day and age in NYC, are you kidding?! Let’s try this: you get a hotel room, we’ll call a boy to come over and suck you ff. Let’s see what happens? I mean it. On the other hand, you can close your eyes and pretend I’m a guy. I’ve been with gay men before, so I can tell you it works.

I don’t now, but it could be other repressed feelings, maybe of anger, you do have some anger which is probably channeled into boxing and martial arts. I know anger; I have plenty of my own. So, if you want to do it that way, rough and tumble, pretend you don’t know me and have no feelings for me, I’m game.

At least one good thing came out of all this. You are smart enough to have gotten some self-awareness out of it. Now, that you acknowledge it, it’s the first step to solving it. It may take a while, but it’s definitely doable. Maybe, you even start working on your sex life with your wife. When you said your relationship is good except for the sex, I thought no relationship is good without sex. Sex is the indicative. People can fight and carry on, but if they’re doing it, it’s salvageable, but now I think I get it more. The part of me that wants you would puke if you tell me about working things out with your wife sexually, but the part who loves you will be pleased. I had thought that she doesn’t want to, now I get that perhaps you don’t. We can also get a hotel room, get a whore over and see what happens. I mean it : )

You asked me yesterday why I chose you from all those men. And it was all the stuff  I told you, your looks, your manner, your intelligence, but it might have also been because you didn’t intimidate me. So many men come at you, grab and pull and poke and treat one like an object that it can be intimidating; you never made me feel that way. I knew you were gentle, I just knew it instinctively, but maybe you should stop being so gentle and use other people’s bodies.  I have to say that I do need the man in my life to just use me as a sex object, not all the time, not exclusively, but sometimes for sure. It makes me feel like a woman. We all have our corks, right? : )

I’m sorry. I don’t  mean to psychoanalyze you, but I just don’t know what else to do. I hope you know that you can tell me anything about you, because as much as I like being your lover, I can’t help being your friend first.

XXOOO

R.
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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 3:03 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

You know, disregard that other email. I realize that I’m running everywhere, trying to find solutions, where it isn’t really my place to do so. If I’m desperate to “fix” it, it only puts pressure on you. So, I won’t bring it up anymore. It’s up to you where do you want to go from here, or where do you want us to go from here. But I’m always here to listen or to experiment, whatever you need.

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 3:22 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

Dearest Roya:

To say this has gone from being my ultimate fantasy to my worst nightmare would be an understatement. In a period of about 8 hours, I went from heaven to hell. I couldn’t possibly disregard your worlds. The apple can’t be unbitten. I was seeking to indulge my ego. Either way, that didn’t happen and now probably can’t. I have to confess I couldn’t even read it all. My eyes glazed over and my heart sank.  Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

I am so flattered that you were attracted to me. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I will forever remember the sight of your naked body and the way it felt to hold you in my arms. Your kisses were the most amazing sensation I have ever experienced. Farewell my love. Khoda Hafez. You will forever be in my thoughts and prayers.

All of my love,

K

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 3:38 PM

 From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

You fuck, you should’ve told me you had this problem. I hate you. Why do you have to be so perfect, so fucking perfect! Except…there is always an except. If I didn’t have so much pain in my life, I wouldn’t have wanted this oasis, and now there is just more pain. You seduced me, told me you love me, now you’re gone out of my life? Just like that? Was that the point? Good-bye. I too wish nothing but the best for you, take care of yourself Kevin Mallon. I can’t believe you’ve given up so fast. Maybe it’s too painful. I get that, but a cigar in this case isn’t just a cigar. You’re doing yourself a disservice. Anyway, good-bye, sweet man, and God’s speed.

R.
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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 4:49 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

It was too fast. I shouldn’t have seduced you. I shouldn’t have told you I loved you. I tried to wait, but you were the very fantasy I was looking for.

I want to please a woman. My efforts in this case suggested I should give up and try men. I was ok with the failure. Your reaction was a humiliation I can’t overlook. How could we possibly continue? Unfortunately, in this case rock was used to protect glass. Now, I’m shattered. Besides, gay is over-rated. Being with a woman is the way to go. Hypothalamus be damned. If I can’t do that with a woman like you then I just have to accept it.

I can’t be your cork. Find someone who can. I can’t solve my problem but you can solve yours.

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 7:01 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

I want YOU. You are MY fantasy. I’m sorry for saying that. I should’ve known better. I know how sensitive you are to that. Will you forgive me? I was just looking for explanations, anywhere I could find them. None of it makes sense because I don’t know all of you yet. Will you help me understand you? I’m fairly simple, so it’s hard for me to understand more complex people. Will you let me love you, anyway? Despite my reaction? I know now, and it’s fine. What do you mean a cork? If you don’t have a problem with it, I don’t. Your terms. Tell me what you want them to be, but don’t go. I’ll be so heartbroken if you go, so please don’t. Please forgive me.

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 8:01 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

I love you Roya. Of course, I forgive you. I am not that complicated.

 You mentioned everyone needs a cork in one of your emails today.

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 8:49 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

Thank you for forgiving me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you didn’t. Suffer…a lot. You’re so astute, you remembered that. I had to look through all those emails to find it. I was like, what? I never meant a “cork.” What I meant to write was “quirk!” That is so funny. You must’ve thought I’m insane. And you do please me. Will you continue to please me? : )

I hope you got to learn a bunch of your songs.

Still SNB’s girlfriend?

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 8:51 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

You should see the stupid grin on my face. Still HFG.

XOXOX

 SNB

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Fri, Jun 15, 2012 at 9:17 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

Hot fucking girlfriend, smiling just like the SNB, signing off here for a couple of hours due to child duty. Pasta and salad, here I come.

And I love you, I love you, I love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.