A Complicated Moment

*Note

The Saturday after the show was a very difficult day for Kevin and me. These are the email that I have from that day.

Sat, Jul 14, 2012 at 1:24 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

Not the first time, the second time out the front door. And I won't change my mind; you'll have to make me change my mind. If it's this easy to say good-bye, then good-bye.

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Sat, Jul 14, 2012 at 1:44 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

I guess you've been spared (blessedly) the jealousy genes. I, on the other hand, am cursed with them. I guess I wanted for you to break your mask for a few seconds, hold my gaze, or look at me the way you do when we meet, for just a beat.

I don't know how you can make me feel loved. I know words are just words. I don't know how you can show me, and if I did, telling you would negate the point. You're creative, think of something.

Perhaps it's all good when it's all good, and the not so good isn't worth the hassle, but I come with some hassle. The choice is yours.

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Sat, Jul 14, 2012 at 4:16 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX

I choose you.  I love you.  I am smiling thinking of you even now.  I think you can tell how I feel, even if I was a bit cold last night.  I am sorry.

 Please don't judge our relationship on an incident like this.  That was not a fair test.  My feelings for you won't change from night to night.  I want to get to know you. That is going to take a long time.  There may even be a few hassles, but it will be worth it.  You have to be in this for the long haul.  I should probably have reacted differently.  I was surprised myself that I didn't.  However, that is something I am known for.  I studied at the foot of the masters.  I am working on it.

I love you.  That hasn't changed.

Me

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Sat, Jul 14, 2012 at 4:48 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

I over reacted after that first time at the hotel, because you chose to keep saying how virginal you are as opposed to the fact that you were dating (and fucking) three women at the same time at some point in your life. Lack of information plus my past experience, made me over react, and when I hurt you because of it, and you wanted to walk away, I begged you to stay. I'm not above begging you. I don't know if you experienced it as that, but I did.

I know that your feeling won't change from one night to another. I guess I didn't realize how much it would hurt having you different from how I usually experience you, loving, attentive, responsive. Obviously, I didn't expect you to behave like that. What are you known for? Coldness? Are you talking about learning it from your parents? Have you considered why you reacted the way you did? Were you scared of your wife? Guilty? Nervous? Was it Maggie? Was it the music that was all consuming? Or is it that your feelings have never been as strong as you thought?

I love you too. That's why I'm such a pain (and in pain) at the moment. If I didn't, it would be so much easier.

 

R.

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Sat, Jul 14, 2012 at 5:33 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

It was a complicated moment.  There were many factors.  Of course my wife was one of the factors.  Maggie was also an issue.  It is not a common social situation.  I didn't know what to do.  There were a lot of people there.  I am always uncomfortable after the show.  The attention kind of embarrasses me. I think everybody feels I kind of blow them off.

My feelings aren't in question.  It is only my expression that is the problem.  Yes.  I am cold.  I learned it from a number of people, my parents being the biggest contributors.   The bright side is that my feelings are pretty consistent.

I feel bad that you are in pain.  It was never my intention to make you feel bad.  I wish I could be with you now.  Take care, my love.  I don't mind you telling me how you feel.  In time, I will learn not to hurt you in the first place. It takes time. 

I love you Roya.

XOXOXO

SNB?.