Loss

Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 11:11 AM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

Good morning my love:

How is life treating you on this grayish day? Do you sleep in on the week-ends? When do you wake up?

I've spent half the morning helping Flora with her husband's bad back. It seems he's in bad pain, so had to call my back doctor at the Hospital for Special Surgery. Reaching these guys is like reaching some deity, but nothing much can be done until Monday. At least, they will squeeze him in first thing Monday morning, otherwise it's emergency room and painkillers. I've given her my massage therapist and acupuncturist's info too for later, so I hope that helps. It always works wonders for me. Flora also has some Valium so that should make him happy until Monday. Back pains are truly a pain!

I was thinking of coming into Manhattan and going shopping for some stuff I need, but it looks like it could pour any second. What are your plans?

XOXOXO

Me

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX   

Hello HFG,

My father in law died this morning.  I am sad.  I liked him.  We are leaving on Wednesday.  His funeral is on Thursday.  He was sick for a long time.  I think the family is relieved.  His wife and two of his children were by his bed.  That seems to be the only luxury worth anything.  No one should have to die alone.  He is getting a military funeral at a Fort near his home.  He had served in the Pacific during the second world war.  He was the father figure in my life for the last 20 years.  He would have been 89 on August 13.

I am going to the gym shortly for karate class.  We have kumite (fighting) today.  It will be a welcome distraction.  Not much else going on.  It can be hard to know what to do on a day like today.

I love you Roya,

Me

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 1:00 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

Hi:

I'm so very sorry. You had told me about him, and that you liked him.  He lived a long life and he will go on living through those who remember him. Every time someone does, he lives. My father used to say, a single man lives like a king but dies like a pauper. A family man lives like a pauper but dies like a king. Ironically, my father died alone. I still can't figure out how that happened, denial, fear, my mother, all of them? I'm glad your father-in-law had his family with him. You're right, nobody should die alone.

I know you're sad now, but I'm sure he knew how you felt about him, that you cared for him. He must've been happy to have a son-in-law like you. I'm sure your wife must be very sad. It's certainly isn't my place to give you any advice, but she probably really needs you now.

How come you guys aren't leaving right away? I don't know what one does on a day like this. I was making plane reservations and getting to the airport. Do you want to postpone Tuesday? If so, I completely understand.

I love you. I wish I could help.

XOXO

R.

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 5:22 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX 

Hello,

Thanks for your kind thoughts and words.  Death sucks.  I dislike it immensely.

It went well for him.  He deserved it.  Deserving it doesn't make it happen though.  Many years ago, on my birthday, I was walking to work through the park early in the morning.  I came across a guy having a heart attack.  I tried CPR, but he passed.  It was 7 in the morning, on my birthday.  So I called my priest.  Nice to have one at times like these.  He said that it was fortunate for this guy to not die alone.  He had attended the dying all his working life.  No matter how hard you try, they often die alone.  Death only takes an instant and it comes at the times when most people are elsewhere.  It was what they fear the most.  Earl died a king. 

The funeral is on Thursday.  I think my wife is planning to be the second shift.  Her sister and brother are the current team but will obviously have to move on.  I guess we are taking turns.  Loretta is strong and has been handicapped by being Earl's caregiver for so long.  She is in a sense free and will be alright.  That said, they were married for 60 years.  It would be like losing a limb. 

I am not ready to deal with tuesday.  I want you.  Maybe tuesday is more important.  On the other hand, I may be crazy busy getting ready.  I will let you know.  I hate to miss an opportunity to be with you.  I love you Roya. 

XOXOXO

SNB

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 6:22 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

He did die a king, and that's all we can ever ask for. I feel that you were close enough to him that it's like your father dying. It brings up so many hard memories of mine dying 7 years ago. It brings back all those feelings and makes me so awfully sad.  It was a dreary day like today, raining, except it was a Sunday. My father was the most precious person to me besides my children, so I have a couple of tricks to share with you as how to cope.

It will be the hardest on Loretta, it's true. As free as she would be, if she ever wanted him dead to relieve her burden the guilt will be so present. It will also change her daily life like it will change none of the children’s.  My mother's guilt is so present every year, and deservedly so. She was awful to him at the end. It's a story for another time.

But one thing you can say to the grieving is not how much you get that they love him, but how much he KNEW THEY loved him. When someone close to us dies, there is the reality of our own mortality that stares us in the face and that's terrifying. Part of what you are feeling is that. Another part we feel is guilt. You know why? Because no matter how much we loved that person, we're glad it was them and not us. Once you admit that to yourself and count it as part of the most human and normal reaction, you're free of the guilt. Then you can just grieve, which is hard but much easier without the guilt. Once I admitted that, I was so much lighter, so much freer. The only people I think one can't truly say that about, and I don't know and I hope I never will, is about one's child. But it's something nobody wants to admit, that survivor guilt is all about that. That's why it's good to tell people in mourning that the person dead did know that they cared.

I'm sorry, my Kevin, for your loss. I'm going to cancel Tuesday. Trips are always full of preparations in general, but this one will be particularly so. I hope we can get together once you get back.  If you want to get together to have a drink and talk, I'm around, either Monday or Tuesday when ever. Let me be your friend now as opposed to anything else.

I love you.

R.

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 7:51 PM

From: Claudia Bonn@ XXXX.XXX

To: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.

Hey:

This is the last time I will write until you write again. I don't want to take you away during this time. I don't know how this is playing out, but this is something you should be mourning with your wife, because it was after all her father, not yours. You should cry--with her. But if she is really devastated and you feel you should be strong for her, then you can always cry to me. You know that, right?

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 7:59 PM

 

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX 

Thanks.  I think the tears are over for now.  I love you.  It is nice to have a friend like you.

Maybe we can get together for dinner on monday.  I have been sort of evicted from the apartment.  My wife is having a friend over. 

I will write later.

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Sat, Jul 28, 2012 at 11:27 PM

From: K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX

To: Claudia Bonn@ XXXXX.XXX 

Sweet dreams my love.  Are you around?.