From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Hey,
Thanks
for writing back. I didn't think you
would. Maggie will probably be mad at
you for doing so.
They
stand for HFnotmyGanymore and notsoSnotsoYnotyourBanymore. It seemed like a clever idea at the time I
wrote it.
I
am a man. I would have continued to
"deal" with you. You are
gorgeous and a fantastic lover. I am in
awe of you. I have been looking for my
whole life to find someone like you with a different background and
perspective. Seeing the exhibit at the
Rubin with you was a dream come true. As
you may have slowly been learning, you had me at Iran. I was always afraid you would figure that out
and think I was a freak.
Emotional
abuse doesn't affect me. I am not
vulnerable. My family steeled me against
it. I don't feel sorry for myself. I had an amazing opportunity and I will never
forget the time we spend together. Not
forgetting though includes being called gay and having you storm out of bed
insulting me. I would have again failed
to please you and that would have been that.
I had no idea what you were thinking.
I could have never expected what ultimately happened.
You
were acting very strangely. Your kisses
were insincere. It seemed like you were
mocking me. You didn't touch me the way
you usually do. Then when I was opening
the champagne, you touched me and your hands were ice cold. And I don't mean from the bottle. I mean your blood went cold. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand
up. I had to turn away so you weren't
behind me anymore. You felt my hands,
they weren't just shaking, they were hot and sweaty. I recognized it as an ambush. The guile you displayed in setting me up like
that was frightening (and famously Persian).
I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Note that it will be my fantasy for the next
50 years. Exactly as you described
it. You really looked hot in that little
black outfit and your gorgeous black hair.
I really wanted to brush it. I
regret never having that pleasure.
We
moved too quickly. Trust requires lots
of tests over long periods of time. It
requires things to look really bad and then find out it isn't bad. It has to exist before it is tested, and we
never reached that point. I never earned
it from you so I don't expect it. I am
not speaking to women on AM, I am not meeting women on AM, I am not getting
email from AM or women on AM. I have
never sent gifts on AM, they are really expensive and just so you know, they
aren't real! I haven't checked my
account. I never took it down, I never
put it back up. My only interaction with
them is the constant spam that I get for canadian pharmaceuticals and the two
times I have had to call them to remove random charges from my credit card
statement. I don't claim honesty as a
virtue. Neither do I claim fidelity as a
virtue I possess. They are things I
practice consistently out of laziness.
It allows for a certain peace of mind at moments like this. Of course, entering into this relationship
punctured that in a way I can never recover.
I don't want to go down on you and fuck you one more time, I want to go down on you and fuck you a hundred times. It never occurred to me that oral sex was an acceptable form of apology. That actually sounds like some republican congressman's idea of how to react in that situation. I was looking for a long term relationship with you. There really was no point in one last time. It isn't like you "needed" it. The pleasure I took was not from how you touched me but that YOU touched me. That vibe was broken.
I
am sorry. I take the good with the
bad. The former far outweighed the
latter. Thanks for sharing your awesome
with me.
Love,
Me
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 10:50 AM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
I
am a tricky little bitch, but I only match my tricky little bastard. Don't for
a moment think, unless you're completely insane, that I don't know who you are.
You hide who and what you are from me and maybe from everyone even yourself, so
I don't know you as well as I could, but I still do. This deny, deny, deny
policy is a good one. I subscribe to it myself whenever I can, but it won't
work with me. Why can't you just admit it and tell me why? Because you are a
big bitch and you insulted me, because I was angry at you, because I wanted to
find someone new to seduce, I get off on the seduction, or just someone like
you but better? Well have you? I highly doubt it, as I don't think I will ever
find someone like you. I still love you. I have no idea why? I must be
completely insane, but God help me I do. I couldn't have faked all those tears,
just how I think you couldn't have faked your hands shaking or how nervous you
were at our initial meetings, or how adorable you were when we were watching
porn together. You were sitting behind me, I glanced in the mirror, and you
were peeking over my shoulder looking curious and slightly something like
you've seen something new. If you're an avid porn watcher, you really got me
there. I was happy it worked that night, and I was even happier that you didn't
need it other times.
I
don't think you get the fact that for me sex is an expression of love and
trust. I wouldn't have had sex with you if I hadn't loved you. I only have sex
with people I don't love for money : ) I
should've asked you for a couple of hundred at least. I'm just kidding, but
seriously, yes, all I know from my childhood is sex and money. A man who spends
his money freely on you and who cares enough about you, not just himself, to
please you in bed, loves you. It's that simple.
I
don't know if you ever trusted me, but I did trust you. I was sold on the
pretty words. But there were clues, the night of your gig, the fact that you
never commented on a single link of music or comedy stuff I sent you. You probably
never even opened them, or that you never bothered to see a movie I had liked
to find out more about who I am as a person. And I ran and saw The Professional
the minute you mentioned it. I listened to every song on your play list, and
would've continued to do so.
I
told you I'm not going anywhere, if you want me on your terms or no terms at
all, then I can't keep you from walking away. We can't go back, but we can go
forward, we can build trust perhaps even stronger because there is more reality
and knowledge. We can start slowly, meet for a drink for an hour or so and see
what we feel. It wasn't just the attraction, although that is still strong for
me, it's the talking, the friendship, or what I thought was friendship, because
although sexual parts can be interchangeable, friends certainly can't be.
I
did like the new letters. It was clever, and sweet.
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:47 AM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
What
I want and what I can have are two different things. I want you.
Wanting to please you isn't enough.
It is all I want from you. If
this were just about me getting off, I would do it myself. I do have to say that I enjoy having sex with
you way more than I ever imagined so that gets a little confusing. I can't be responsible for what I do when you
are giving me a hand job. I certainly
can't concentrate.
Sex
is an expression of love and trust for me as well. Sex was easy to find on AM. Ewwwwww. Never did that. I have never pressured you for sex. I know that the percentage of time we spend
having sex is small relative to the time we spend together.
"who
wouldn't forgive him for upon seeing such a beautiful human wishing he was a
better man."
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 2:24 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
I have never pressured you for sex. I know that the percentage of time we spend
having sex is small relative to the time we spend together.
That is very true; I was always the one. You've said we moved too
fast before, and perhaps that's true, but I had realized that we had a rare opportunity
that I didn't know when we would have again, if ever with both of us completely
free for the entire week-end. Perhaps we should've waited, but I was just crazy
about you.
We've been together for a while but you never told me anything about
therapy, really. It's kind of good to not be a navel gazer, but know thyself is
a wisdom, especially when not knowing makes interpersonal issues.
How is seduction really a sign of failure, please elucidate.
"who wouldn't forgive him for upon seeing such a beautiful
human wishing he was a better man."
You have always known how to put a smile on my face. And yes you
were right about that line on your face, it does only appear when you smile. I
noticed that the last time. Although, I really appreciate you liking my
culture, by now I wish you would see me as me, a person who happens to be a
woman and happens to be Iranian, as opposed to an Iranian woman. A stereotype
can be exciting but it's also dehumanizing. I admit, I at first saw you as a
stereotype too, and it was really exciting but now I only see you as Kevin, I
had liked to think my Kevin.
I think there has been enough on both sides that we can trust, some
we can't, and that's what we need to find out, can I learn to trust you
completely again? Can you learn to stop being afraid of me ambushing you? I
don't know. I'd like to find out. If you like, we can explore. We've had a lot
of fun together outside the bedroom too. I know, I always stir us there, but I
can be chaste : ) for a little while. We eat, we drink, we talk, we see. If you
like.
_____________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 3:02 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Hey
HFmmG,
Seduction
in and of itself is not failure.
However, it would in this case mean that the existing relationship had
failed. I hope to be done with the
seducing part. I want to start working
on trust and emotional connection. That
is the more satisfying part.
You
are right about the timing. We made the
best choice then but now need to deal with the consequences. I was crazy about you too. Still am.
Can I be SYB again please?
I
see you as Roya. I am sure you are not a
stereotype anyway. You are very complex
and have a very unique life story. The
culture is just another facet of you that I love. And not just Iran, but very
different from my background. It
challenges me to understand things from a different perspective.
I
don't want to be chaste. I am beside
myself with frustration. You looked so
smoking hot on Tuesday. I am still
having visions. I want to hold you in my
arms and tell you I am sorry and I love you.
Any
chance you have some time tomorrow? I am
free all day.
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 4:49 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hey HFmmG,
Let me see, would that be
Hot Fucking maybe my Girlfriend?
Can I be SYB again please?
You never stopped. Like I said, I could be angry or even hate you at
a given moment, but love doesn't just disappear. I think it's in its nature to
fade rather than disappear abruptly. That's why they say hate isn't the
opposite of love, indifference is.
I want to hold you in my arms and tell you I am sorry and I love
you.
I want to be in your arms. I love being in your arms.
Any chance you have some time tomorrow? I am free all day.
You are free on a Friday? Well, SYB we're in luck because I get one
kid back tomorrow at about 1 or 2 and hand them both off to another friend almost
immediately, so I could meet you in the afternoon 3 or 3:30. Where would you
like to meet? Do you want to go to the Met roof garden?
XOXOXOX
HFG
_____________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 5:19 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Hello
HFdmG, Woohoo! I am SYB!!!!!!!!! Double
woohoo! I get to see you tomorrow.
I
love the Met. The roof garden would be
nice. If we meet at the Met though, I
can't hold you in my arms. I won't be
able to apologize the way you wanted.
Just sayin...
How
late can you stay?
XOXXOXO
I
LOVE YOU!
SYB
_____________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 7:32 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
Hello HFdmG,
would that be definitely
my G?
I love the Met. The roof
garden would be nice. If we meet at the
Met though, I can't hold you in my arms.
I won't be able to apologize the way you wanted. Just sayin...
I will
meet where ever you like. So, you pick the place. I just assumed we're supposed
to take it slow. I can stay probably until 7.
Barney's has its annual warehouse sale on West 17th Street, so I can say
I went there. I think they stay open until 9. I can make sure I meet you no
later than 3, maybe I can pull off earlier if you like.
XOXOXO
vhashthhfgbSYB
Now you HAVE to tell me
what this is?
I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU TOO.
SYHFG
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 7:58 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Yes,
definitely my Hot fucking girlfriend.
We
should go slow. I could meet you at
Barney's if you like. We could go
shopping. The Met would be fun too. I need to be home at about 7. I have some private shopping to do.
3
will be fine. I will make a decision in
the morning. For now, I am off to the
gym.
Love
you SMHFG,
sySYB
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:15 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
Ooops,
I left out the question marks. Would you
like to go shopping? Or do you prefer
the museum?
I
can't read it, somehow it got obscured.
It was something along the lines of so glad I am still yourSYB.
Karate
was a lot of fun. Class was small, but
all pretty good. My toe is fine. I will try to run on Saturday. That will be the real test.
How
was your evening?
_______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:51 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
We
could do either. I rather go to the museum roof garden. I want to see the
exhibit before it leave on 8/31 if not already. My sister in law's second
cousin has done a part of it. I have no idea whether I will recognize which,
but if I describe it to her she'll remind me. Also it sounds lovely to have a
drink up there. They open at 4. We could talk.
Shopping
at Barney's sale is kind of mayhem, but if you need work shirts, you might find
some good deals. I'll just follow you anywhere you like to go. My evening was
fine. Popo the Cameroonian girl was watching a reality show with Tony Braxton
on WE, we were too polite hosts to just change the channel, besides we can't
ever agree on what to watch. So, I escaped to my room.
Isabela
has to read To Kill a Mocking Bird for school, so we were listening to it in
the car on road trips, but I realized we won't finish it before school starts
so she and I listen to it some afternoons in bed like today. It's so peaceful
and lovely.
I
love you.
XOXOXOXO
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:42 PM
From:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX.XXX
To: Claudia Bonn@
XXXXX.XXX
We
can't go to the Met tomorrow. Let's talk
in the am. I love you. Sweet Dreams.
SYB
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:52 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX
Why
can't we go to the met?
______________________________________________________
Thu, Aug 23, 2012 at 11:54 PM
From: Claudia Bonn@
XXXX.XXX
To:
K<dancing.midnight@XXXXX
What
do YOU want to do tomorrow? If anything, we can't go to the met or we can't
meet at all?.
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